This is part of a series of scifi joke pieces I’ve been making for tumblr. The idea for space pigeons came from my friend Sarah who spent a weekend in January listening to me excitedly explain story plots.

Listen to the incident report here

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Incident Report 1154: Space Pigeons

NOTE: All recording must be made to Cervation time. 

Date: 15/15/12350                                  Person Filing: Tamwise Erant

Time: 19:56                                             Title/Role: First Engineer, Head of department. 

Crew Involved: All 

Location: Star System 15 – En-route to Cervate 

While travelling through Star System 15 we were caught in the migratory path of the Columba Gigas. Or as the human has chosen to name them, “Giant fucking space pigeons”. 

Due to the disturbance our ship was attacked by a mother who was travelling with two juveniles. One of which was injured during the ensuing battle, when one of our cannons was dislodged by the mother. 

The Human, Madds was horrified by the idea that their attacks were a common occurrence. She proceeded to be injured while attempting to fix an interior control panel during the attack. 

Captain Elador Was injured while assisting the security force, himself and a few of the guards were showered in shattered glass when the window was charged at. 

Of all casualties nobody died, those injured are being held in the infirmary. Despite many complaints from everyone. The human has proven to be an ornery patient as are the usual culprits. 

We request additional medical supplies when we make the emergency landing on Estrallis. As well as at least a week’s extension on the delivery due to repair and recuperation needs. 

All Damage sustained during the attack: 

• Three Exterior Canons (One Front, Two Rear) 
• Starboard Side panel, Rear. 
• Damage to Starboard Axel, Rear
• Exterior Truster, Starboard Rear.  
• Cracked/splintered Window, Starboard, Rear. 
• Interior window panel shattered, Starboard, Front. Exterior fine. 

We are lucky to have all survived but we request that all chartered courses be warned of the migratory path though Quadrant – 3  Location – 1337:978:223 headed toward the Q4 boundary. 

Signed Tamwise Erant, First Engineer Star Corporation 764

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It had been a long day on board the cargo vessel, Madds had barely slept and was dead on her feet repairing old wiring that had worn. Her supervisor Tamwise had been about as helpful as usual giving her a long list and reminding her of the recent notice of distracted work. A note she knew he requested after one of the guards had almost taken her out when he hadn’t heard her walking up to him. 

So alone in the main cargo hold she played a book on speaker, The art of war, a book she had heard was horrifying to the more peaceful alien races. Though she was unsure if that was a distaste for human warfare or the primitive nature of its contents. Either way she had a feeling it would keep her co-workers away long enough for her to get most of the list done in solitude. 

Her peace however was interrupted by an ear-piercing alarm that screamed through the entire ship. Three sirens then a pause repeated over and over again, an external threat all hands on deck. She had been forced to learn all the alarm signals before boarding as part of the qualification process. There were countless with varying meanings. 

“Any mistakes can kill you and your crew,” the interviewer had said when asked in the first meeting. So she had been dutiful in her study of the alarms. One continuous beep that repeated every twenty seconds for three minutes was an oxygen breech. After three minutes anyone that would benefit from the alarm would be unconscious. She had heard that one once before. 

But this was the first time they’d been attacked. She didn’t stop to pause the book bolting up the stairs through the released hold door. Every door was opened in the system override so they could get there quicker. The comms were a muddled mess of voices half the crew yelling questions down the line. 

Over all of it the captain cut through, “Security to the rear, threat is starboard, Cargo crew evacuate to your rooms, Engineers take line 12.” His voice was firm almost a yell, one that she could hear echoed as she hit the top of the stairs. Hands flying to her collar to change the line while still sprinting to the engine room. 

She was glad for once that she hadn’t had the space to put her toolbelt down when she slid down a hall covered in shattered glass. A loud scraping bang shaking the entire ship as she ran. Wires hung loosely from a broken control panel by the shattered window. Only the inner sheet of the double glazed panel  had broken so there was no worry of oxygen depletion. 

“Shattered inner window panel, rear starboard and broken panel,” She called down the comm to the channel where the rest of the engineers were yelling at each other. Slowing to a brisk walk in case the order came through to fix the panel. 

Another screech cut through the air before she could get the command. A window much further back, where the guards and captain had run leaving a trail of mottled blood in their wake, shattered, thankfully only the outer panel this time. Though she could see the entire crowd immediately duck out. She could only assume they had been caught under the window she stood by. 

A large taloned foot drifted past the window, slowly lowering until she came face to face with one black beady eye. Soulless and deep, nothing like she had ever seen in her travels. Yet so very familiar. 

It only took her a moment to realise where she recognised that gormless look. Pigeons. They were being attacked by a giant pigeon. 

Fuck. 

 The comms went silent for a moment after she yelled, “You didn’t tell me there were fucking space pigeons!” 

Then a laugh, it wasn’t the time or place for them to be laughing but slowly half the engineering team answered her barely hiding amusement if they even tried to at all. Tamwise asked her to repair the panel but be careful of the glass. 

So she did, listening to the half yelled conversation reporting other issues and the progress on the axle repair. The only broken part they needed to get out of here. 

Debris floated around outside of the windows and another loud band followed by the shaking of the ship sent her down into the shard covered floor. Spikes pricked through her clothes into skin and blood pooled by her palms that she slammed down before her back could hit the ground. 

She shouldn’t stand, it would dislodge pieces. But the panel was open. Another jolt and it would send sparks flying. So with a deep unsure breath she forced herself up suppressing the scream as glass went deeper under her skin. 

“Injured, send help,” She muttered down the comms and worked to close the panel vision hazy. 

As she got the panel closed there was another screech then the floor seemed to jolt under her knees going weak the same way they would on boats as a child. But one look outside showed their attacker becoming smaller and smaller at a rapid pace, “Axle repaired, assistance being sent to all necessary parties, Injured call out locations,” Came the crackly voice of Tamwise. 

A few of the engineers called out locations, Madds included. The alarms slowly fizzled out as the world seemed to rush around her. Heavy feet pounded down the halls passing her carrying bodies that she hoped still drew breath. One older woman stopped beside her with a gentle voice, a member of the cargo crew she had never spoken to, “Let’s get you to medical.”